How many times have you stayed silent when you wanted to confront someone out of fear you’ll start an argument? Does it happen even when you firmly decide to speak up next time? You might be struggling with conflict avoidance disorder.
Intentionally avoiding conflict frustrates us because we can’t stand up for ourselves, even when we have all the right to do so. Each time you don’t speak up, you dive deeper into that frustration and compromise your overall well-being.
People avoid conflict for many reasons, fear being the most paralyzing one. Like any disorder, you can tame this one, too. Keep reading our article to find the best strategy to embrace conflicts instead of avoiding them.
What Is Conflict Avoidance?
Some people know when it’s best not to turn a petty squabble into a fiery argument, but don’t hesitate to confront others when necessary. Others completely lose it at the thought of a minor disagreement. The latter are referred to as conflict avoidants.
Conflict avoidants are petrified of disagreements because they expect a negative outcome. They refrain from saying anything they perceive might cause disturbance and try to maintain the image of a pleasant and agreeable person.
They’re also afraid of abandonment and being rejected by others for their attitudes. Especially in a relationship, they’d rather disregard their own needs than potentially upset their partner, which is also a form of co-dependency.
So, basically, conflict avoidance disorder is people-pleasing driven by fear of upsetting others. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism where you avoid resolving an evident problem at your own expense, leaving you even more agitated.
Characteristics of Conflict Avoidants
Conflict-avoidant behavior usually stems from negative past experiences with a person who couldn’t respond assertively to disagreements. As a result, avoidants adopted the pattern of suppressing or lying about their feelings to avoid massive arguments.
These experiences often begin in early childhood and later dictate our attachment style in love relationships and how we deal with friends and coworkers. Here are some conflict avoidance examples that signal you need to work on assertiveness.
Bad conflicts in childhood
Parents often fight, and it’s just something every child witnesses during its upbringing. However, flying into a rage over every minor thing, shouting insults at each other, or acting violently and destructively is definitely not a healthy way to argue.
Regardless of whether these arguments stayed between the parents or included the child, if this sounds familiar, you’ve probably learned to do whatever you can to avoid conflicts both in and out of the home.
Gunnysacking
Gunnysacking is a term often associated with conflict avoidance in psychology. Gunnysackers bottle their negative feelings to the point they’re so pent up that the “sack” bursts and they storm down on their victim, whoever it is.
Keeping everything in until you lash out uncontrollably, most of the time at people who didn’t even deserve it, is a vicious cycle. Saying you’ll hold your temper in the future won’t work either because the only way to prevent this is to resolve problems as they come.
Conversational gymnastics
Nothing says the avoidance of conflict and confrontation like trying to find a way out of a conversation, fearing you’ll provoke a negative reaction. You resort to changing the subject, becoming passive-aggressive, or making up a reason why you suddenly have to leave.
You might do this subconsciously — you’ve adapted so well to avoiding conflict that you’ll try to maneuver your way out of one at the slightest chance of inconvenience. This is especially true in relationships with BPD partners or narcissists.
Not reacting to unfairness
Remember those school projects where one person does all the work, but the whole team gets the same grade? As an adult, has someone ever taken credit for your work, and you just let it slide?
This falls into the most common conflict avoidance examples where the person suffers actual damage. Putting yourself in a disadvantaged position on purpose won’t do you any good because you’ll grow bitter and resentful even though the solution is in your hands.
Fear of upsetting others
Does the idea that someone might be upset or disappointed in you make your skin crawl? We hate to break it to you — you’re a chronic people pleaser who wants to be friends with everyone, but this is neither possible nor healthy.
This deep-rooted fear is one of the major conflict avoidance causes. It blocks any attempt to actually resolve a problematic situation because you always assume sucking it up is better than letting it out.
Not speaking your mind
In constructive arguments, both sides express their positions and try to find middle ground. If your attempts to present your views were dismissed, criticized, or ridiculed, your assertive side gives way to your conflict-avoidant one and prevents you from opening up.
Keeping your attitudes to yourself can be particularly damaging if you’re dealing with conflict avoidance in a relationship. If one partner is trying to fix a problem and the other stays silent for fear of being dismissed, chances are you’ll grow distant and eventually break up.
Stonewalling
Another communication issue typical for conflict avoidants is stonewalling. Stonewalling means deliberately walking away from arguments, withdrawing, and being unwilling to discuss your feelings so the problem would disappear.
This kind of behavior prevents the couple from building intimacy and resolving their issues, creating a dysfunctional relationship bound to fail. Typical stonewalling symptoms are silent treatment, passive aggression, avoiding eye contact, and ignoring the other person.
How to Deal with Conflict-Avoidant Personality?
No matter if it’s you or someone close to you, avoiding conflict is a habit you need to drop. The point is to adopt a positive attitude towards conflicts, so let’s discuss some strategies to help you reach this objective.
Rely on your senses to calm down.
One of the reasons we avoid conflicts is because we perceive them as stressful, but ironically, our avoidance causes even more stress. One helpful hack is to use your five senses to maintain composure and relieve the tension when things get ugly.
Soothing images, mild essential oils, your favorite chewing gum, or a fidget toy will help you focus and feel less anxious than you usually would during a discussion. Not every conflict and confrontation needs to blow up, especially when both sides keep calm.
Change your mindset.
Our mind is often our greatest enemy, so if you’re one of those who always play worst-case scenarios over in their head, it’s time to reshape your thinking. You convinced yourself that conflict is inevitably a fight, so now you must prove yourself wrong.
To do this, you should look at the positive sides of a conflict. Confronting someone about an issue means you’re dealing with it, it won’t reoccur, and you won’t feel frustrated and angry. You’ll become the opposite of conflict-avoidant, which is assertive.
Plan ahead.
Many of us feel insecure in conflicts because we’re unprepared. You can turn things around by defining key points you want to address in the confrontation, writing them down, and rehearsing them beforehand.
Preparing clear and fact-based sentences you’ll use during confrontation helps build your confidence and won’t trigger a fight-or-flight response that could either make you overreact or paralyze you completely.
Embrace your emotions.
Embrace whatever emotion comes your way instead of suppressing it. Practice self-compassion and accept those negative emotions are there for a reason, and it’s perfectly fine to feel them.
The problem with conflict avoidance is that we dismiss our emotions and don’t explore how they affect us. A little self-reflection would help you better understand your behavior and how others react to you in conflict situations.
Tackle problems as they come.
The more you postpone the confrontation, the worse you’ll feel because you give your brain time to overthink and blow the situation out of proportion. Instead, confront the person with the issue in a composed and non-emotional manner.
Try not to insult or blame the other person and clearly state the facts and reasons you’re upset. Avoid aggression and attacks on the personality, but stick to the specific behavior that hurt you and try to find a solution so it wouldn’t happen again.
How to Deal with a Conflict-Avoidant Partner?
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but it’s not always a red flag. Conflicts mean you’re working on your issues, so avoiding them isn’t healthy. If your partner avoids conflict out of fear of ruining the relationship, you’ll only grow distant and frustrated.
In a situation like this, it’s hard to establish an emotional connection, but there are ways to turn things around. Let’s see how you can reach your conflict-avoidant partner and work on your intimacy.
Make them feel safe.
We’ve discussed why people avoid conflicts, so you know some of them are fear of rejection, abandonment, and upsetting others. Try to put yourself in their shoes and accept them — your acceptance will help them communicate more openly.
Have patience.
Conflict avoidants spend years suppressing their emotions, so the process of opening up to you will take some time. They need to get used to feeling safe when expressing themselves, so let them go through this process at their own pace.
Respect their space.
Being in a relationship with a conflict-avoidant partner requires an effort from both sides to respect each other’s boundaries. This includes giving them enough space and letting them do things on their own.
Conflict-avoidants love their independence, so trying to control them and occupy all of their space might push them further away. Don’t make them engage in social activities when they don’t feel like it, and let them have their alone time for however long they need.
Acknowledge your differences.
You and your conflict–avoidant partner likely have different attachment styles, which can pose difficulties in bonding. For example, your sexual life may suffer if your partner loses interest over time, or they may feel uncomfortable about frequent physical contact.
Talk through your preferences when it comes to affection and intimacy, and try to find a solution so that none of you is deprived of your comfort. At the same time, try to be understanding of their urge to distance themselves, because it’s not your fault.
Use I-statements.
Learning how to communicate is one of the key factors of success in conflict–avoidant relationships. I-statements take away the blame from the listener and assign responsibility to the speaker, so you won’t sound accusatory when you bring up an issue to your partner.
In addition, if you focus on blaming them for their actions, it may sound like they’re doing things intentionally to hurt you, which probably isn’t the case. For example, instead of saying “You never hug me!”, try saying “I would really like it if we hugged more.”
Take a break from difficult conversations.
If you’re in the middle of an unpleasant conversation, your partner will start showing clear signs of discomfort and possibly try to leave the conversation. Suggest to wrap it up and continue later when they’ve regain composure and you can get through to them.
Talk about feelings.
For people prone to conflict avoidance, lying about their feelings is a common occurence. Genuinely caring how they feel and asking them about it, as well as validating their feelings when they’re different from yours will encourage them to be honest and feel accepted.
Final Thoughts
Avoiding conflict is a progressively acquired habit that establishes itself more firmly each time we decide to suppress our feelings so we wouldn’t rock the boat.
Self-compassion and a change of mindset can turn things around and make you see the positive side of a little conflict here and there — naturally, within healthy boundaries.
FAQ
How do you deal with a conflict avoidant?
Conflict avoidants are overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and pent up emotions, so the best you can do to deal with them is to offer your support and create a safe environment where they can communicate freely and honestly.
This won’t happen overnight, so be patient, and understanding. On the other hand, create healthy boundaries where you can both express you feelings and reach a compromise.
What is the opposite of conflict avoidant?
Assertive. Assertive people are able to communicate without sounding accusatory or offensive. They can stand up for themselves and openly state their attitudes in a healthy way that doesn’t feel threatening and disrespectful.
Why do avoidants run from conflict?
The most common reasons are growing up with parents who were overly confrontational or avoided conflicts altogether, previous experience with conflict-avoidant partners, fear of upsetting others and being abandoned, rejected, or dominated.
