Did you know you can catch fleas of narcissism? Believe it or not, this is a psychological phenomenon involving adopting certain narcissistic behaviors as a consequence of being continually abused by someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.
Many people adopt the behaviors of their abusers as a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Ever found yourself doing something out of character and realized you’re copying someone close to you? You’ve probably caught their nasty fleas.
Narcissistic abuse leaves deep scars and traumas that often make us wonder if we’ve become narcissists ourselves. The good news is that persistence can help you get rid of your fleas and heal from abuse. Keep reading to find out how!
What are narcissistic fleas?
“Catching fleas” comes from the old proverb, “If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.” Initially, a warning to choose your company wisely, the concept has stuck in psychology, describing picking up negative traits from an abuser with a personality disorder.
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) constantly crave admiration, affirmation, and acceptance. NPD persons are also likely to display histrionic traits and suffer from other mental health issues. NPD is defined by at least five of these nine common symptoms:
- A sense of grandiosity and exaggerated self-importance
- Fantasizing about ideal love, infinite power, control, success, and brilliance
- Oppressive behavior toward others
- Resenting others and believing others resent them
- Egotistical and conceited attitudes
- Believing that they’re extraordinary and unique and that they deserve no less than that
- Envying others and believing that others envy them
- Having no empathy toward others
- Wanting unwarranted admiration
Narcissists are not abusers by default, nor do abusers typically have NPD. However, malignant NPD persons are cold, manipulative, and controlling and often resort both to verbal and emotional abuse.
When a victim of narcissist abuse catches narcissist fleas, their behavior is known as a maladaptive coping strategy, meaning they’re trying to defend themselves and heal from their trauma by becoming abusive.
Passive-aggressive tendencies, involuntary snapping, and becoming violent when you feel a threat are some symptoms of fleas. Your abuser can use the fleas against you to justify their own behavior, which only tightens their grip on your mental health.
Is Your Abuser a Covert Narcissist?
Recognizing abuse is challenging if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. Unlike an overt narcissist, a covert one won’t be so quick to showcase their toxic traits, meaning their abuse can go undetected for a longer time.
Covert narcissists hide their toxicity by displaying non-typical narcissist behavior, such as shyness, humbleness, and intentionally putting themselves down to fish for a compliment or approval.
Covert narcissist abuse tactics
Understanding covert narcissism is the key to recognizing their manipulation tactics and breaking free. Let’s talk about the most common instances of manipulation covert narcissism victims experience.
Triangulation
Triangulation is a common strategy to deflate a conflict in all types of relationships. Still, when a narcissist uses it, they aim to involve a third person in the argument to assert dominance and turn it into a two-against-one situation.
For example, a narcissistic parent might try to turn the child against the other parent by allowing or offering things the other parent disproves. In turn, a narcissistic partner may involve a friend to gain support for their opinion.
Hoovering
Ever heard of the “hoover maneuver”? The term describes a form of emotional abuse where the abuser “sucks” whatever they can from the victim to satisfy their needs. Besides NPD, this strategy is typical for people with borderline personality disorder.
Narcissists use hoovering to manipulate a victim into staying or returning to a toxic relationship if they feel the victim is trying to break free. The victim of such covert narcissist abuse is commonly called a narcissist supply.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a typical manipulation strategy in NPD persons. Although common both in overt and covert narcissists, it is considered overtly narcissistic. The abuser will try to twist things to cloud your perception of reality and their abuse.
When a narcissist gaslights you, they turn the situation in their favor, leaving you feeling guilty and insecure about what actually happened. They will often insist you’re imagining things and misinterpreting their words and actions.
Passive aggression
We’ve all been passive-aggressive toward someone, even if we didn’t know it at the time. Passive aggression in the hands of a covert narcissist serves to establish superiority or humiliate other people they resent or envy.
Sabotage, sarcasm, silent treatment, intentionally scapegoating someone, or avoiding tasks they believe are unworthy of their time are all signs of narcissistic passive aggression.
Are You a Victim of Narcissist Parent Abuse?
Although it’s a known fact that children use manipulation to have their own way, they, too, can be victims of a narcissistic parent. Completely unaware, the children grow into traumatized adults with unhealthy coping mechanisms — fleas.
You learned about the symptoms of NPD earlier in the article, but let’s deal with examples of narcissistic parent behavior. Mind you — this doesn’t mean your parent has NPD, so don’t rush to any conclusions and leave the diagnosis to a professional.
Check out these examples to see if they sound familiar:
- Wanting special treatment. In every store and every line you had to wait in, around complete strangers, your parent had to come first and make a scene about it. Narcissists believe that their needs come before everyone else’s, so this behavior was to be expected.
- Having a transactional relationship. If you don’t compliment your mother’s cooking, she won’t cook dinner the next day. People raised by narcissists often catch these fleas and apply the pattern in all relationships.
- Feeling superior to other people. A typically narcissistic trait, your parent always made you hang out with kids from wealthier families and even patronized those they thought weren’t good enough for you (or them).
- Having no empathy. As a child, you go through many bad days at school. If you tried to tell your mom about it, she would dismiss you and start talking about her own problems. Narcissistic parents are not good listeners; everything has to be about them, so the child grows up feeling inferior and unimportant.
- Having no boundaries. Did your mom embarrass you by walking around in skimpy clothing in front of your male friends and casually discussing her sex life with you? Narcissistic parents don’t have a sense of privacy because they see the child as an extension of themselves.
- Always stealing your thunder. No matter the achievement, your narcissistic parent always made it about them with the ole “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” comments, so you could never really enjoy your moment of glory.
- Having you compete for their affection. Narcissistic parent abuse turns for the worse when you have siblings. You never know which child will be their favorite, so you compete for their affection. However, this doesn’t guarantee that any of you will be the favorite child at all.
- Shifting responsibility. Were you always the one to run errands so your mom could rest? Narcissistic parents often use their children to do housework instead of them and make them feel more like the parent than the child.
- Talking down to people they found inferior. How many family dinners has your dad ruined by being rude to the restaurant staff? Narcissists nurture their sense of superiority by treating people they think are beneath them awfully while identifying with and praising high-status people.
- Unrealistically high standards. No matter what you achieved, your parent was never satisfied and wanted you to do more. This pressure is the source of many mental health issues later on.
All of this results in a frustrated adult who puts other people’s needs before their own and never feels good enough. If you had trouble with some or all of these situations, there’s a chance you’ve been raised by a narcissist.
How to Deal with Narcissist Fleas?
If, after reading the article so far, you’re wondering if you’re a narcissist, there’s a big chance you aren’t — narcissists would never doubt themselves that way. You’re only suffering from a case of fleas that can be resolved if you put your mind to it.
First, let’s talk about some steps you should take to deal with your fleas:
- Inform yourself about NPD abuse and its effects on mental health.
- Reach out for support to your friends, family, or dedicated support groups.
- Learn to set boundaries in your relationships that will make you feel safe.
- Assertively confront your abuser with the help of a friend or a therapist.
- Take responsibility for your actions and insist others take responsibility for theirs too.
In addition, avoid these common mistakes:
- Don’t treat your abuser the same way — you’ll only make it worse for yourself.
- Don’t use the abuser’s behavior as an excuse for your abusive behavior.
- Don’t let anyone use your abusive behavior as an excuse for their abusive behavior.
- Don’t linger in abusive relationships and cut off all contact.
Bottom Line
Realizing you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse is a pill hard to swallow, and narcissistic fleas are a sure sign you have a lot of trauma to heal. Luckily, informing yourself about narcissistic abuse tactics and learning coping strategies will help you get back on your feet.
If you suspect a narcissist is abusing you, reach out for support and remove yourself from that relationship. Preserving your well-being should be your number one priority, and setting yourself free from a narcissist’s grip is the best way to start.
By Tamara Ilic