BDSM is a fun way to connect with your partner and test your boundaries, but it can get quite intense. The roles of dominants and submissives might be well-defined, but the boundaries of comfort are often blurred. That’s why BDSM aftercare is an essential part of any BDSM experience.
Let’s see how you can be a good dom and make your sub feel loved and appreciated even after the most intense of sessions.
What Is Aftercare?
Aftercare is the natural next step in any BDSM session. Once the fun is over, it’s time to return to reality, and that isn’t so easy for everyone. Since BDSM employs strict roles in the bedroom, returning to the roles you normally take on in your relationship is essential.
Dedicated aftercare should focus on both physical and mental aspects. Physical injuries can be a common thing during playtime and need to be addressed as much as both partners’ emotional needs. Sometimes it’s hard to come back to your senses and revert to your true self.
Does Everyone Need BDSM and/or DDLG Aftercare?
Anyone might want and need aftercare, but that doesn’t mean everyone does. The most important thing you can do is talk to your partner before and after the session. Ask them how they feel and if they would like to be pampered. Sometimes only one of the two will need aftercare, and sometimes both.
Drops
Experiencing spikes of adrenaline and endorphins is common during any BDSM session. The trouble arises when you get a crash from this high. If a crash happens, it’s better to put playtime on hold and move on to aftercare right away. This keeps both parties comfortable, lets you know where your limits are, and ensures the next kinky play session is more successful. Some symptoms of a drop may include:
- Feeling irritable without being able to calm down
- Feeling lazy or tired
- Feeling worthless, helpless, or having strong feelings of guilt
- Anxiety, feeling empty, or feeling really sad
- Aches of any kind that persist despite medication
- Losing interest in activities you love
- Difficulties making decisions, remembering details, or concentrating.
To avoid drops, you should take things one step at a time both when you’re starting and ending a session.
Dom Aftercare and Drops
Though aftercare usually focuses on subs, that doesn’t mean doms can’t also feel like they need affection and care. Your dom may enjoy pushing your boundaries and inflicting pain, but they’re human, too. Doms can also have trouble getting back their sense of self-worth when things get intense in the bedroom.
This is why it’s just as important for the dom to set boundaries and aftercare preferences. Don’t forget to check in with yourself and your partner, regardless of the role you play.
Ideas for BDSM Aftercare
- Cuddling: Switching to a soft and gentle touch is one of the best ways to provide aftercare. Show your partner how much you enjoyed your session and how much you appreciate them through kisses, hugs, massages, and so on.
- Baths: What’s more relaxing than a hot scented bath after something so intense? If your partner needs some alone time, run a nice bath for them. If not, take one together.
- Talking: Sometimes just talking can completely shift the mood. Whisper sweet nothings, give each other compliments, and tell each other what you liked about the session.
- Medicine: Your BDSM aftercare kit should also involve ointments, band aids, and painkillers. Taking care of your partner’s wounds is also an important way of expressing your affection and love for them.
- Going out: Whether it’s for food, drinks, or just a relaxing walk, getting out of the apartment might do you both some good. Remember that changing the ambient can also improve the mood.
- Giving space: Sometimes, being alone is all we really need. If they express the need for it, let your partner gather their thoughts and explore their emotions in complete privacy.
- Watching movies: Choose a feel-good movie or your partner’s favorite. The same goes for TV shows, or even books and comics.
The Importance of Safewords
The importance of aftercare in BDSM is matched only by the importance of safewords. Despite your great confidence in your boundaries and your partner, you need a safety net to ensure both of you feel safe.
Safewords help you avoid sudden crashes of adrenaline and endorphins, make the session more pleasant, and lessen the need for prolonged aftercare. They’re also a great way to revert the power dynamic in a second and build trust with your partner.
When the sub says the safeword, they know that their dom will stop, and you can easily switch to aftercare from here if the sub asks for it. Of course, the same goes for doms using safewords.
S&M for Beginners: Choosing a Safeword
A safeword can be any word that you wouldn’t usually use in the given context of your BDSM plays. Ideally, it should be something short and easily understood. Whatever random word unrelated to sex comes to mind, you can use it.
If you want to make things slightly more intimate and express your need for gentleness, you can try using your partner’s nickname that you don’t use in bed.
What if I Can’t Talk?
Restrictions are common during BDSM sessions, which means the sub won’t always be able to say the safeword. That doesn’t mean you should give up on gagging and tying them up, though. You just have to incorporate comfort into any bondage scene ideas you might have.
For example, if the sub can’t talk but is able to move freely, they can tap their hand on the dom’s body or a surface next to them a certain number of ways. If their hands are tied and they can’t speak, they can do the same thing with their legs. If their legs are also tied, leave some wiggle room so they can signal either with their feet or their hands.
This is especially important when you’re also depriving the sub of their sense of sight. Other sensations might be increased with a blindfold on, but so is the anticipation. Some people simply can’t handle not knowing at all what their partner is going to do next.
Things to Remember Before and After BDSM Sessions
Communication
It can’t be stressed enough how important communication is for BDSM. It doesn’t matter if you’re with a new partner or not, all feelings should be shared. Without letting your partner know what’s on your mind, you can’t hope to have a safe and fun BDSM adventure. Leave time for talking before and after you begin playing.
Trust
Building trust outside the bedroom will only lead to more trust inside of it. BDSM requires an enormous amount of trust because of the high degree of vulnerability involved, and building it is essential outside the bedroom, too.
Rules
Having set rules and safewords can help you avoid anxiety and uncertainty. One of the most important submissive sex tips you need to remember is that the sub makes the rules, too. This makes them an equal partner, regardless of their submissive role.
Constructive Criticism
Even with rules and trust in place, we all make mistakes. It’s important not to let your ego get to you, but to listen and learn how you can give your partner even more pleasure. Talk honestly with each other after each session, and you’ll find the sex more satisfying every time.
Appreciation
Just like it revolves around constructive criticism, aftercare in BDSM can also revolve around compliments. Also, make sure to say how much you appreciate that your partner listened to you, put themselves out there for you, and how good they made you feel.
Flexibility
BDSM is nothing if not flexible. No two sessions have to be the same. If you keep experimenting and finding different things to do, you’ll never get bored. Also, remember that some fantasies are hotter as just fantasies. If something ends up not working, work around it and try something else.
How Long Does BDSM Aftercare Last?
There’s no sure way to answer this question, since it all depends on the parties involved. Some people need a short time to come back to their senses, while others may take a lot longer. This is why you should always prepare in advance.
- Stock up on snacks.
- Get bath supplies.
- Have enough medicine.
- Have Netflix/favorite movies/series on standby.
It’s always safest to assume that aftercare will last all night, so make preparations accordingly. If you’ve been with your partner for a while, you may even be able to gauge how long the aftercare will last. However, keep in mind that the duration of BDSM aftercare also depends on the intensity of the session and the general mood of both parties.
Conclusion
As you can see, there are many ways of taking care of your sub once playtime is over. Aftercare is a key component of BDSM because it makes both parties feel safe, loved, and appreciated. Remember to openly communicate with your partner before and throughout BDSM sessions, but also during BDSM and DDLG aftercare. That’s the best way to ensure that all boundaries are respected and you’re both having a great time, leaving mutual trust intact or making it even stronger.
FAQ
What does kinky mean?
Kinks can be anything that doesn’t fit into conventional sex. Convention dictates that sex is soft, gentle, full of kissing, romantic talk, and involves vaginal penetration, oral sex, and masturbation. Some of the most common examples of kinky sex include BDSM, group sex, role-play, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and fetishes.
What is dom space?
Dom space is a mindset a dom enters during a BDSM session. People who have experienced it report a higher sense of intuition and a stronger connection with their partner. Dom space helps the dom stay in control, gauge their sub’s reaction, and remain sensitive to their experience and safewords. Once a dom leaves their dom space, they may go through a drop (an emotional and/or physical lull).
Does sub space really exist?
Yes, sub space is similar to dom space, in the way that it’s also a mental state the sub enters during sex. It differs from dom in the sense that the sub feels like they can give up control. Some subs also describe this feeling as dreamlike, their senses are heightened. They also report feeling a stronger connection to their partner.
What does a sub look for in a dom?
This depends on the sub, but generally, subs want someone who can lead but also listen. The foundation of any healthy BDSM relationship are the boundaries the sub sets, not the rules the dom makes. If a sub doesn’t feel respected, heard, and appreciated, it’s a major sign that the dom isn’t fulfilling their role correctly. Show your appreciation during BDSM aftercare, but also before and during playtime.